Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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