I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
