mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
