there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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