am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
