So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
