I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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