i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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