I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
