You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
