these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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