Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
