My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
