I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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