i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize