i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As shirtless as possible
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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