and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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