you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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