Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She even gives head with a lisp.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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