Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
