need another drink. this is the easiest way
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Semen is not good for contacts.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
