i don't like sucking hair
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize