I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize