I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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