If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
