You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
