I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
