Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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