The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
