life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
