the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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