I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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