Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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