my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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