I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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