She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
