I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
