he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
