Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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