It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
