evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
