His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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