i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
