would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
