Umm I'm too high to move.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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