Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
