Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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