This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
