Michael Bay diarrhea
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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