My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
