she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
