Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
