she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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