what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
