My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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