for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
